I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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