I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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