It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
