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His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
