it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize
