I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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