I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
