I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
