no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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