Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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