I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
