you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
