i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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