ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
