is your mom at the bar?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
