If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
