hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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