i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he fucked my hip out of place.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
