I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize
