Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
