how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
