I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
