a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
