I want you more than these girls want KFC
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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