I wish I could punch you in the face.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
