hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
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