I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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