Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
