I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
