he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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