...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
