I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
