These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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