life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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