i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
