u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I need help removing her.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
