She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
