My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
