On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
