Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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