she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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