I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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