I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
