The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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