oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
