So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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