How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
