If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
