i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
