I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
