I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
